The Sheer Joy of a Child

I’m sitting here, trying to hold back tears on a day that is just so hard. I generally feel like I hold it together ok and am fairly strong day in and day out. After a week of solo parenting, though, the shit is really hitting the fan today. My nonverbal almost 5-year-old’s behaviors are ramping up something fierce within the last couple of weeks. I’m talking an increase in loud, constant, ear-piercing “vocalizations” (AKA constant screaming at the top of his lungs, to express all of his emotions), head hitting that leaves bruises from his own fists, and aggressive behavior toward his little sister that no amount of redirection can curb. And today it has all become too much and I can’t stop the tears from falling.

Social media is not the place to look when you’re feeling like this, but it has become habit as my escape in this isolating world of special needs parenting. I don’t know if it’s timing or just my foul mood, but post after post from friends detail “the sheer joy of their child” accompanied by photos of said children just doing typical, everyday, joyful, fun kid stuff. Like going down slides, running and rolling around in sand, playing and digging in soil. You get the idea. Simple, easy kid stuff. And it makes me absolutely green with envy. My son will not do any of those things, therefore making those activities anything but fun or easy. All of the things that I would have taken total advantage of and not had to think twice about if my son were “typical”. But he’s not. And so those activities are anything but typical or fun for him.

We watch in amazement at how quickly our daughter picks up on certain activities and screams or giggles with joy at many of the activities that are associated with young children. And it is both enjoyable and excruciating to watch. I love that she can move so easily through life so far in her whole 13 months on this earth, but it only further highlights how hard my son’s life is, and that he may never be able to do all of the skills that she can already do now. And it breaks this mama’s heart. Over and over again. Will this ever get easier?

*photo courtesy of Shutterstock